Learning to say 'No'

Are you a person who finds themselves experiencing stress and frustration because you are doing things for other people that you truly did not want to do? Do you find that your own tasks seldom are completed because you feel obligated or coerced into doing the work of others first? Do you feel uncomfortable, guilty, nervous, afraid or pressured having to deny another person's request of you?

Did you ever ask yourself why you allow this to happen? Because this is the key..... You Do Allow It To happen! The answer to this question can be complex but the underlying issues tend to be similar in nature. Generally speaking, our lack of self priority is derived by feelings of fears of abandonment, non-acceptance or being minimized or rejected. Where did these beliefs come from and how real are they?

Assertive communication skills enhance your self esteem and allow for you to make choices that are good for you. Assisting others is a commendable trait, but is this so when there is a negative cost to ourselves? Appropriate boundary setting protects your needs and interests and creates a healthy environment for yourself and others you may communicate with.

Using the concepts of conflict resolution, self esteem building, effective communication and challenging of negative core belief and value systems, Emotional Brass Ring services assists clients in creating and maintaining healthy personal boundaries. Clients identify and challenge the reasons they place priority on others and minimize their own personal needs. The goal is to improve your personal self-image by teaching effective self care techniques.

Whether the problems are related to work, family or social relationships, the techniques are the same. If you are interested in learning more about healthy boundary setting and asserting yourself effectively contact Emotional Brass Ring services for support.

Isn't it time you lived life, the way you would like to live it?

What if you could.....

Everyday I hear at least one client state, "I can't". In my opinion, the most self-defeating statement in the world. The minute we limit our options to nil by suggesting to ourselves that something is impossible, we give up hope. Without hope there is no motivation for change. Pessimism breeds failure, decreases self esteem and self confidence. There is an alternative!

Ask yourself the question, when have you ever achieved success when you absolutely believed you couldn't? I'll bet your answer is never. Have you achieved success when you knew the odds were slim but believed the outcome was still possible? If you have, it is because you believed in yourself.

'What if I could', is a motivational tool designed to assist people in being creative and optimistic. Optimism breeds opportunity, and opportunity increases the likelihood of success. Optimism reinforces self confidence and positive self image.

Try it yourself. Replace and challenge your "I can't'' statements with, "If I could, what would it look like?" I'll wager you experience success as your mind strives to coordinate your resources and develop strategies you might never have considered before.

Strive towards that Emotional Brass Ring, believe in yourself and create a renewed, lasting sense of positive energy

Forgiveness and Acceptance

My work with adults has uncovered an interesting phenomenon. People are often hung-up in their lives by their unwillingness, or inability to accept certain situations in their lives and to learn to forgive.

Often, I am confronted by a client on this topic as they state, "Why should I forgive for him/her for what they did to me. I did nothing wrong." You are right! You did nothing wrong, and you were victimized! But my question is; how are you managing as you carry the negative emotions from those situations around with you in your everyday life?

Julie has written a chapter in her Anger Solutions book which addresses this concern. She states, ' Many of us don't want to forgive others because we think that forgiveness somehow means we condone what was done to us. People think that those who forgive are weak and that forgiveness is a sign of giving in.' She goes on to add that we deprive ourselves of emotional freedom when we are unable to forgive and let go of the past.

On a personal note, I can attest to this. Many people hurt us and have done terrible things to us. The amount of energy it takes to continue to despise someone is incredible and this takes away from our ability to develop positive self energy. But forgiveness is not just about others. It is about us. How many times have we done things which we know were hurtful and unfair? Some people continue to deny their role in the situation and will scapegoat others by manipulating the situation or twisting the facts to make themselves seem less responsible. We have no control over these people. We only have control over ourselves and our behaviours.

Emotional Brass Ring focuses on how to learn to forgive ourselves as well as forgive others. How to accept your faults, learn from your mistakes and use this knowledge in a proactive way. How to use your past experiences to develop a more satisfied you, which in turn will enhance the lives of others through the normal 'ripple effect'. Emotional Brass Ring is about shedding ourselves of the unnecessary weight of negative past experiences and strengthening ourselves by positive, healthy decision making and boundary setting.

We do not forgive for the reason of allowing others feel better. We need to do it for ourselves. Just another tool to utilize as you practice your personal self care and develop the 'you' which until now, you may have thought was just an unattainable 'brass ring'.

Give to yourself......

Yesterday I was informed that a man whom I have loved very much, who inspired and in many ways, directed my change is personal / profession passed away from a heart attack. His name was Peter C.



Peter had a rich history of being a school teacher, specializing in students with behavioural difficulties. He was not your typical teacher by any means, and his methods were often times unorthodox. But Peter loved these kids, and his love showed clearly.



In noway, shape or form would I ever criticize or demean Pete. He gave of himself freely and without regard to his own mental and physical health. He believed in the children he worked with. Peter did not die because of the work he has done and continued to do unofficially, but he also seldom did for himself. Everyone always came first, and seldom did Peter even rank on the importance scale. Selfishness was not a characteristic of Peter's, but one that I argue we need to sometimes utilize. Society teaches us as young children to not be selfish. Like it is bad to be angry. It is not bad to be angry and it is not bad to be selfish. Both play pertinent roles in our mental health. Allow yourself to pamper your needs from time to time. Make you number 1. Even if just for a day.



How can we take care of others if you cannot care for ourselves? I thank Peter for his contributions to our society, especially in the areas of our troubled kids. It would have been great had he been able to stay with us for awhile longer. He will be missed.

A Little Piece of Heaven

This weekend, my wife Sandy and I spent the weekend with Julie Christiansen and her husband Steve up at our camp just outside of Sault Ste. Marie - here are Julie's thoughts of this weekend:



Hello all - I am writing to you from Tom's computer - our weekend in Sault Ste. Marie has been an absolute blast. The camp is sincerely a little piece of heaven - it is a place where you can forget about everything that happened the days, hours, and even minutes before you arrived, and just BREATHE.



This was a tremendous opportunity for us all to relax and unwind after what has been a long summer filled with work-related activity. I encourage you all to take some time for yourselves - away from the everyday, and to recharge your batteries. It is worth every moment away from your cell phone, laptop, blackberry, and anything else that keeps you from truly relaxing.

A new beginning... Reaching the Emotional Brass Ring

I have spent the past many years seeking for something more, something to complete my life but was never sure what that was. I always referred to it as the 'brass ring', we all hear about it, but seldom obtain it.

I have recently journeyed into a new part of my life. My children are all pretty much grown and my career as a social worker is developing well. With the support of my lovely wife Sandy, and some great friends and family, I have decided to take my passion for providing mental health services to a whole new level. My intention is to expand my services to my community and anyone who may wish to read my thoughts through web blogs, and developing a personal business in which I will provide educational, community presentation and support services for educators, employers, employees and other mental health service providers.

My thoughts are still broad and vague, hopefully as they unravel they will make more sense. My goal is to help you reach that emotional brass ring.....it is there....you just must allow it to develop and thrive. Walk with me..... the journey may be long, but well worth the effort.